Written by Sarah L. Barrett

Note- this isn’t quite based on the cartoon, actually on the first Zelda game (which is why Zelda has orangey-yellow hair and green eyes instead of being a blue eyed blond).

One-Brain-Cell’s idea

"Are you listening???"

"Nah…Just gazing at your intense beauty…"

"LINK!!"

"Heh heh…Just kidding, dear, sweet, gorgeous Princess." Link looked at her, brown eyes hopeful. "Can I have a lollipop now? Or a kiss…" Zelda sighed and folded her arms, shaking her reddish hair out of her sparkling green eyes. "Uh huh." She said, grinning, "When will I start getting any peace around here, hmmm…? And why d’you want a lollipop, or a kiss, eh?"

"’Cause I admitted to be ignoring you, princess." Link smiled cheekily.

"Yeah…right…Well…TOUGH! ‘Cause you ain’t gonna get either, ‘K?"

"Hmmm! Anyway, back to your raging beauty!"

" (Sigh) What am I gonna do with you Link?"

"Marry me?"

"Idiot…OK, our ancestors! Zelda I, from…Adventure of Link. Sometimes known as Sleeping Zelda…"

"By who?"

"By ME! Ummm…Oh yes! Link I, Hero of Time, and one of his best friends, Zelda II, they were those ones from…What’s the story called? Ocarina of Time. And…Oh yes! These ones are a little closer related, Link II and Zelda III, from…Oh yeah, A Link to the Past."

"Kewl. I guess that would make me Link III and you Zelda IV. Wow."

"Mmmm…"

* * *

"They are plotting sommin against Ganon. I can feel it!" One Moblin commented to another.

"Hmmmm…" hissed the second. "Wouldn’t it be brilliant to save the master – With no-one else?"

"By the Triforce of Power – You’re right!" Exclaimed the first Moblin – A male who was often called ‘No-Brain’.

"Aren’t I always?" grinned One-Brain-Cell, the other Moblin.

"No." sighed No-Brain, "That’s the trouble…"

"Grrr…"

"OOF!"

"My leg!"

"Gimme that club…now!"

"You FOOLS! What’re you doing??" Ganon’s cruel, sharp voice began loud, but hushed soon enough.

"N…nothing…sir…" stammered No-Brain.

"Y…yeah…" murmured One-Brain-Cell.

"I didn’t realise the rules had CHANGED!" trembling, One-Brain-Cell attempted to think what she had said.

"Oh…oh…CLUE! CLUE! G…GIMME A…clue…plea…"

"NO-ONE MAKES DEMANDS OF THE GREAT GANON!! NO-ONE! NO-ONE! NO-ONE!!! YOU’RE A DISGRACE TO EVERY SINGLE MOBLIN HERE!! FIRST!!! YOU MAKE DEMANDS OF ME, AND THEN, And then." His voice became hushed. "And then…And then you make DEMANDS OF ME! I--"

"S…sir?" stammered No-Brain.

"WHAT??"

"W…well, you said making demands twice, and any…anyway…She…left out…sir…f…first…"

"Thank-you…No – I take that back. YOU DARE CORRECT ME!! NOW!! Listen…"

* * *

"Now can I have a kiss? PLEASE!"

" (Sigh) Link…"

"OK, OK…"

"Link…"

"Yeah…?"

"Link, I…" Wheeee! An arrow whistled through the window, landing neatly at Zelda’s feet. Zelda picked it up and read,

"Hmmm…Those names…"

"Link…I recognise those names…I mean, the sort. Y’know. Oh, when I was in a battle the other day I heard names like…Weak-Brain and…Snot-Nose-Dead…They were…Moblins!"

"And the master they speak of is…" He said no more, he didn’t need to. Ganon.

The start of a cruel trick

"What’ll we do?" the question was out of Link’s mouth before Zelda had a chance to begin figuring out how to sort this problem out.

"Hey, hey, give us a chance!"

"Actually, there is only one person and…" Zelda pulled a face. All she heard of Link’s little speech was, "Blah, blah, blah. Waffle drone waffle drone drone drone. Natter…" And SO on! And it was mostly ‘blah blah blah’ anyway! "Link…"

"And…Hm?"

"What’s this about adjectives and adverbs and…and pi, hmm?" Zelda couldn’t help grinning. These ‘lessons’ were just so people could think Link was dead smart and are double-dead impressed! "Er…" Link blushed, he admitted it! VICTORY!

"OK, but seriously now, Zelda. We…"

"I’m the one being serious here, mate!" said Zelda, with mock fierceness. Link laughed, and his hands soon found themselves holding the pretty princess. "Zelda…"

"Link…"

"I…" Link didn’t say anymore. Slowly, their arms wrapped around each other. Link cradled Zelda’s head, and he gently pressed his lips onto hers. Zelda was shocked. SMACK.

"Owww!…"

"You get away from me, you dirty rotten pig!!" Fumed Zelda, yanking out of his firm yet gentle grasp. Link didn’t understand.

"But…"

"You don’t kiss a lady like that." sniffed Zelda. She glared at the poor boy, "Every gentleman knows that!!"

"Zelda, I…" Link was close to tears now, "Please, I…I…I just lo…I…sorry…" Zelda sighed. This was awkward. He didn’t mean any harm, she knew that. ‘Maybe if I explained properly…’

"Link, you should’ve given me a…a…a peck on the cheek – if anything – you only kiss like that…if…if we…go out….and marriage…" Zelda blushed. Link got the message. Sighing, Zelda got up. " I’m asking advice from the Triforce of Wisdom, about what just…um…the er, Moblin problem."

"…It’s just that, well, Link and I love each other, but…"

"You wanted to speak with him, before kissing."

"Mm."

"Did you tell him that?"

"No."

"Then do."

"Yes, Triforce, I will, I’ll ask Impa about how to approach him, sh…she’ll know."

"Yes, she will. Your other problem?"

"How did you…"

" *Ahem* "

"Oh, yeah…The Moblins…"

"Ganon doesn’t know. Good thing, too. If Ganon knew, e.g. the Moblins told them, he would automatically believe them. But they won’t tell. They think if they catch you by surprise, Ganon will be more impressed."

"Hm…so…?"

"Simply wait."

"Oh. OK."

* * *

No-Brain and One-Brain-Cell were plotting. Hidden away in the forest, a secret dwelling hid in the curling crisp leafed tree, with sad, soggy branches. Link didn’t know. Zelda didn’t. Nobody knew. With the exception of One-Brain-Cell. She had broken her favourite stick (a big one she had found, with pointed bits sticking out. She collected sticks), and she’d yelled, "N-o-o-o-o-o-o! Ulippa!!" And it had turned out Ulippa – the stick’s name – had been the password, and she’d found an old, old, old witch, who was very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very wise. Now her wisdom was going to be useful.

"How can she help? Besides, if we get help, Ganon will think we’re worthless!!" moaned No-Brain.

"Quit your complaining!" snapped One-Brain-Cell, "Anyway…" She drew her finger across her throat, grinning. No-Brain got the idea.

"ULIPPA!!" One-Brain-Cell yelled.

"Co-ome iiiiiiiiiiin…" a whippy voice replied.

Shivering slightly, they entered the dark, narrow tunnel. It was pitch black inside. ‘It’s awful in here!’ thought No-Brain thought, teeth chattering and knees knocking. And, as though sharing his thought, a strange, purplish-yellow light filled the room.

A tiny, hunch-backed, stick-thin old woman sat slumped behind a large pile of spell-books, parchments, quills, ink bottles and maps and stuff like that, with bottles here and there filled with a mystical substance.

"Better, now?" the old woman asked with a crackling voice.

"Y…yes"

"G-o-o-o-o-d." She smiled at One-Brain-Cell, revealing very few cracked, bent and battered yellow teeth, "Y-e-e-s…? Why do you come here?"

"Disguise us." Ordered One-Brain-Cell.

"Very well."

No-Brain shivered, he didn’t like her.

"I’ll write ‘em a letter, confuse ‘em more." chuckled One-Brain-Cell,

To No-Brain’s surprise, they were outside. He looked over to One-Brain-Cell, and was very surprised.

In her place was a beautiful young woman, with very pale skin. And goldish-blue eyes, big and beautiful. With several long, thick eyelashes, fluttering with the wind. A lovely oval head, with a sheet of silky cola – black, though shining goldish-brown when it catches the light – hair flowing down her back. She was very tall and slender. She wore many, many jewels, with a fine dress.

"You look…wonderful…"

"You don’t look so bad yourself…" she replied dryly.

Smiling, the witch held up a cracked mirror.

Instead of the usual Moblin, he saw a tall, sturdy gentleman with curling brown hair down to his shoulders. Kind, cola eyes, with an air of importance in them. He was wearing fine clothes, and he found himself hanging onto the reigns of a Shaggy chestnut, loaded with saddlebags, a tall, pitch-black mare with a curled grey mane and tail, and a diamond-white stallion, both wearing fine riding clothes.

One-Brain-Cell had already hitched herself onto the mare, Ulippa. No-Brain sprung his now light body onto the stallion, Rick.

"Thanks." smiled One-Brain-Cell, looking at the witch, before taking one of the two fine swords on the chestnut, and whipping her head off.

"I shall be called Sandra – Sandy for short – and you…Richard, Rick or Ricky for short." One-Brain-Cell ordered. No-Brain shrugged. He didn’t care. (I’ll call them Rick and Sandy in their Hylian forms).

* * *

"Your highness, two travellers called Richard and er, Sandra wish to see you."

Harkinian smiled, "Send them in!" Link and Zelda were also intrigued. As the guard left, a messenger appeared. "A letter for you, Princess." The messenger left once Zelda had taken it. Zelda’s eyes scanned the paper. Her face became white. "Link, I…" but the two travellers entered and Zelda forced a smile. They both bowed.

Harkinian clapped his hands together, "Rise, my children, rise!" They did so. Zelda swung her arms wide, dropping the note. Link snatched it, and started reading. "My friends! Wel…"

"Uh Zel…"

"Hush, Link! Um, Oh yes! Welcome to Hyrule! I hope…"

"But Zel!" moaned Link, tugging at her sleeve.

"LINK! Anyway, I hope…" Link stormed to his room, or so Zelda thought.

Zelda through open the door, eyes blazing. "Just what do you think you were doing? Showing me up like that!"

Link stood up, "But the letter…"

"Do you think I didn’t KNOW? Didn’t you see my face? Oh yeah, you’re as dumb as you look!"

Link marched up to her, and smacked her across her face, Zelda was thrown back into the wall, "Don’t you speak like that to me! I love you!" He lifted her roughly by the shoulders and shoved her against the wall. Then he grabbed her by her lovely, long, yellow ochre hair and dragged her towards the window,

"What’re you…?" Zelda couldn’t say any more through the tears.

"Zelda, are you in there?" And in came…Link?!

"L…Link…" Zelda fainted. Link ran right up to the Other Link, madly hacking and slashing. There was a burst of pink light and a Moblin appeared. "MASTER! One-Brain-Cell! I f…failed!" The Moblin disappeared, and Link turned his attention to Zelda.

Miff’s Suspicion

"How long has she been out?"

"5 days."

"Link – is something wrong?"

"I…I just think it was all my fault." mumbled the hero.

"Oh…It wasn’t your fault Link."

"ZELDA!" Link hugged her joyfully. "I thought you’d…you’d…"

"Where did you go?"

"Pardon?"

"You went to your room, but you weren’t there when I came up."

"Oh, I went for a snack, and I got chatting to Miff."

"Oh."

The next day was dull and rainy, and Zelda was much better, but a new letter, from No-Brain spoiled her sunny mood.

"Another letter." Zelda’s lips turned right down at the corners as she shoved the letter to Link. She rested her head dully in her hands. What on Hyrule was going on? What plan? Who were these mysterious Moblins? Zelda sighed. The questions tumbled out of a corner of her mind and spread across her mind. What were the answers? Will they ever know them? Will they triumph? They always had, but still…

"…Zelda? You alright?" Link nudged her, concern splashed on his face.

"Huh? Oh, I was just daydreaming, that’s all."

"About what?"

"Our Moblin Problem, what – oh, good morning, guests!" Zelda stuffed the letter into her satchel, and pressed a smile onto her lips, though she forgot about her eyes, which were flooded with anxiety, confusion and a faraway look. Link grimaced. These guests were getting on his nerves. Sandra smiled – well, it was closer to a smirk – as she approached, her arm hooked into Rick’s. Sandra traced a finger down his chest. She lowered her eyelids a little, showing off her eyelashes, still with the silly smirk, as if to say, ‘I’m sexy!’ "You’re so handsome." Link grunted.

"Thanks."

"Eh heh, what Link means is, ‘Thanks! You look good too!’"

"Oh, I’m sure she don’t mind, do ya, One-Brai – YOWWW!" He rubbed his arm where Sandra had slapped him. She smiled to the two people, "He thinks ‘One-Brain-Cell’ is a good nickname for me." Zelda smiled. Link didn’t

.

"You fool! I’m SANDRA!" the woman fumed, "And anyway, what happened with that Link Dummy? Zelda should be dead!"

"Hey, hey! Don’t blame me!"

"Who am I supposed to blame?"

"You don’t have to blame somebody for everything. Besides, you should blame Link – if anyone. He’s obviously very protective of Zelda, you shouldn’t send letters!"

"Me?"

"Um, we…" The woman gave him another slap, before going over to the desk. She picked up a quill and, after delicately dipping it in ink, began to write.

* * *

"Cartainler, where are the Moblins One-Brain-Cell and her husband, No-Brain?"

The Goriya stepped forward nervously, her nose quivering violently, "S…Sire, I have no idea, sir." The chamber was silent. Sighing, Ganon idly lifted a gnarled finger and zapped the unfortunate creature. "DARKNUT! Find them!" Ganon settled back in his throne, a crinkled smile creeping on his lips.

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! HELP! LINK! QUICK! LINK! LI – Link?" Link was the one giving her a fright? Link nodded gravely. He undid his belt and buckled it around Zelda’s waist, so they were stuck in it together. Zelda struggled with the buckle, but it was a different make to her own. "Link, undo this…NOW!"

"No, listen to me first."

" (Sigh) what now, Link?"

"Sandra and Richard. One-Brain-Cell and No-Brain."

"Don’t be ridiculous Link!"

"Well, it’s a bit of a coincidence, isn’t it? I mean – what are the chances of a man calling someone a Moblin name – One-Brain-Cell?"

"You heard what Sandy said, she—"

"Sandy?"

"Um, it isn’t important… But it—"

"That’s nice."

"Huh? Oh, Link…"

"Zelda, this is for your safety. I don’t want—"

"Shut up! I don’t – won’t – believe you!" Zelda pulled the belt down as far as possible, attempting to get out of the fix, and fell over. Link went to help, but Zelda shoved him away and stormed down the corridor. Once she was out of view Link could hear a faint buzzing in his ear. Taking it for a bee, fly etc, he swatted at it.

"HEY! What’s the big idea??" Squealed The Thing. Link turned his head. A small yet obviously beautiful fairy with a sparkling white wand and a pink dress was hovering near him. Miff.

"Oh, hey Miff."

"Look, I was listening to ya. I believe ya."

"Ya…I mean, you do?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, I can get proof for ya. I saw ya and Zelda kiss the other day," she grinned slyly.

"M…Miff?!"

Miff clasped her hands together, smiled, and gave a quick, sharp nod as she said, "Uh Huh!"

"You, you saw us KISS?!"

"Uh Huh!"

"YOU??"

"Uh Huh! I know how much she means to ya, Link. I think – technically – I’m doing this for her, really."

"LINK!" Called Zelda, sounding desperate. She thrust the paper at him. Link’s eyes darted across the paper, then turned white. He didn’t even glance at Miff as he gave the paper to the little fairy. She read it, too.

"(GASP!) Link… The other…Link…"

"I know… Miff, go and watch the guestroom. Zelda – who gave this to you?"

"It – Sandy, but… I… Oh Link she was so scared! She must have read it first! I know she – it just seems… Don’t hurt her, or Ricky," sobbed Zelda. Link’s face was hard as he marched down the corridor – to Harkinian’s room. Zelda followed him – shaking and sobbing.

Many times did Miff say to herself, "I must be MAD." She had squeezed herself in the tiniest crack possible in the guestroom. Richard was in there reading. The door suddenly flung open and in walked Sandra, smirked. She shut the door. They muttered for a moment before walking out. Miff fluttered down. Then out of her pockets fluttered the four letters, which she’d nicked off Link and Zelda. She placed them in order then noticed something. Proof. The two letters by No-Brain.

The handwriting was completely different.

The same with the ones by One-Brain-Cell. She searched all around, before finding:

One-Brain-Cell’s Diary

She flicked through the pages. At first the handwriting matched her first letter, then… On the night she came, it matched the second letter’s handwriting. But this was One-Brain-Cell’s handwriting. Sandra’s, Sandra’s… Then she remembered. A week or two ago, the King had decided that all guests had to write a review of their first night, then their last, for whatever reason. She found it. Of course ‘Sandra’s’ handwriting matched the second letter. And there’s no point explaining what happened with No-Brain, because it’s pretty much the same thing. Miff used her fairy magic to go to Harkinian’s room.

Link had just finished explaining the situation to Harkinian, when Miff appeared. It took two seconds to explain the NEW situation.

"Hummmm… Well, let’s go look for ‘em," Harkinian said, stroking his chin.

"OK, I’ll get Zelda," Miff offered.

"NO! No, she is very upset. I think…I think she understands the problem, but she won’t accept it," Link sighed.

"She is stubborn," admitted Harkinian.

"Well – so she doesn’t get involved – let’s make a plan! Ummm…"

Zelda drew her ear. Excellent. While they fussed with a plan, she could go on ahead. She’d kill them. She didn’t not believe it on purpose. She really had thought they were innocent! Naïve or what? But listening to their conversation… ‘Well!’ she thought, ‘It’s all up to me!’ She walked down the corridor – into ‘Richard’. Without thinking, Zelda hit out. ‘Richard’ grabbed her wrist and twisted it around as far as he could. Zelda attempted to cry out with pain, but only managed a wimpy little gasp. Shuddering she slipped to the ground with shock. She had fainted. ‘Richard’ hauled her up and took her to the dungeons.